You want me to do what?!?!

Trust. Wow...how many of you have an issue with trust? I do. A MAJOR one. One so big that I don't know how to even analyze it! So if you have an issue with trust...maybe you should stick around and read this one :)

It was sometime in the 80's I believe...my mom was getting ready to go on a date. I didn't understand why she needed to go! I wanted her home with ME. She was young and I was even younger. She NEEDED to go out and date, and I didn't understand that. So she made a deal with me. She said she would bring me back a cheeseburger when she returned home. So what did I do? I patiently waited, and waited, and waited for her to come back. Then I saw the car outside the house! I was soooo exctited! My mother has returned!! And on top of that...she said she would come back with a cheeseburger!! Yipppeeee! I was so excited I could barely contain myself! She walked in the door and I ran up to her and asked "Did you bring my cheeseburger????" I don't remember much from this point except hearing "no...I forgot..." and the rest went silent! lol This was the FIRST time I remember ever feeling like I couldn't trust. My mom is probably laughing as she's reading this. It was from a long time ago, but as a child I held on to that broken promise and applied it to every promise anyone ever made me until I was in my teens and my mom finally talked about it. Seems silly doesn't it? Well, sadly it's not. A lot of us are holding onto feelings of hurt and we are unable to move past them b/c we haven't properly dealt with them. Thank God my mother and I moved past this YEARS ago and now have a beautiful and healthy relationship.

But sadly not all of my relationships have fairytale endings. Well, not when TRUST is the issue. Lets go back to August 2006. I had JUST gotten out of a realtionship with someone that I had been with for 5 years off and on. I had trust issues already built up, and when him and I finally called it quits...those issues came pouring into my life once again. Not only was I dealing with trust, but I was dealing with insecurities I had allowed to build up in me. So what did I do? Well the most logical thing a young 22 year old can do...I fell right into another relationship. This one lead to a quick engagement after just a few months, then a marriage a few months after that (a destination wedding with just the two of us in Hawaii). I thought by getting married all those trust issues would go away. It made so much sense, two people making the ultimate commitment to one another...there's no way trust would be an issue. Not in a marriage! LOL yeah...sadly that marriage ended just two and a half short years later.

What's my point? Well, that your trust issues will follow you and haunt you and ruin every good relationship you could possibly have! I'd love to say that I found the secret formula for learning how to let go of certain issues but I haven't. All I know is this...that every time I pray, and every time I hand over my problems to God...He takes them from me and I feel peace. I feel peace until I stupidly take them back! Why would I ever take them back? Well, that's easy...b/c who would I be without the trust issues I have built up around me? So many of us are afraid to live and let go...I know I am. So it's a DAILY dose of prayers that help me stay leveled...and when I stop...when I turn away thinking I have this under control...well, that's when I'm quickly reminded that there's only one true God, and He is the only one who can heal hearts and repair the trust that has been broken in our lives. So keep praying! Keep having faith that God has your life under control...and you too will see with your own eyes the miracle that is Him!

Love you all!

<3<3<3

Depression/Hurt/Pain - How I was healed from it.

It's 1:11 and I am writing my first official blog. Again, THANK YOU to those who are following me on here...it means a lot to me that you will be reading about my life. This is not a blog for sugar coating or vain conversations. There will be things I say on here that are extremely personal, painful, and it may be hard for some of my loved ones to read...but I believe God is going to use my trials and pain to better the lives of others.

Most of you know me...some don't. Here's a run down of me. I was born in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil on August 4, 1983. I lived in Brazil for the better part of my childhood. My parents were missionaries for YWAM and honestly when I think of days in Brazil I rarely see them in my memories. My mother married when she was very young and had me when she was only 18! I can't even imagine what that was like for her to be so young and deal with the heartaches of a failed marriage and a child. We'll get back to that a little later.  While my parents were missionaries and out on the mission field I was at home with my grandmother...at least that is how I remember it. I then didn't understand, and it took many years for me to understand. I know a lot of people can relate to growing up feeling alone like I did. I by no means hold any anger or ill feelings towards my parents TODAY. However, back then it was a different story. I just didn't understand. I loved my mother but I hardly saw her, and when I did she was showering street children with love and caring for them. In my little child size brain I was asking "What about ME?!"I carried that question in my mind throughout my adolescence and even into my adulthood.

It wasn't until March of 2010 that I finally understood. That I finally was able to make sense of it all. My parents weren't pushing me off to the side...no, instead they were being the hands and feet of Christ. Some of you may understand what that means...others wont. I didn't. They sacrificed their worldly pleasures to fulfil a greater purpose. I believe they knew that if they stayed faithful to God that in due time they would see the harvest come.

The feelings of being alone followed me throughout my entire life. It was like a constant reminder day in and day out of my lack of love (or so I thought). Even after my parents left the mission field my loneliness continued. The spirit of depression took a hold of me like no other. To the point that I couldn't even face it. I would lay in bed and when I felt depression approaching me I would just close my eyes, cry, and be immediately defeated. I had no fight in me. I didn't know how to fight. I sometimes would pretend that I wasn't depressed, but in time not even the fake smiles could hide what I was feeling inside. I would try to heal myself; I'm sure most of us have attempted to medicate ourselves in hopes that maybe we'll figure it out. We'll find the cure for the depression, or hurt, or anger...or whatever it was that we felt. We think that maybe if we cure ourselves before it's too late, then no one will ever know the truth about the pain we feel.

The obvious solution for me was men. Big surprise right? What young girl hasn't tried to cure her loneliness or depression with men?? At a very young age I tried that prescription. What I can tell you is that no matter what you try to cure yourself with, whether it's men, women, drugs, alcohol, friends, work, parties, or anything that will take your mind away from the pain...the results will only be temporary. More likely than not, you'll end up hurting more than before. It took me years of hurt, men after men, friend after friend, party after party to finally stop and let go. The burden of carrying depression or hurt with you will eventually break you.  By this time I had a failed marriage under my belt at 27, I had sexual abuse from when I was a child, I had rape, I had physical abuse, and a whole lot of "junk" that was used against me my entire life to keep me in my depressive state. Our human bodies can only take so much. For me, I had that break down moment in March of 2010. Some of my girl friends may remember this incident very well.

I planned a small gathering to watch a UFC fight. It was going to be GREAT! I had my best girlfriends coming, I had my medicine on the way (being a man from my church), I had food and drinks all set out. I had been looking forward to this for weeks! Come the night of the party and everything is going to plan...except for one thing. My medicine  called me and canceled. To me this was the worse news I could get, it was the last straw that broke the camels back. How could I go through a night without my medicine? What would I do?? I felt very exposed at that moment. It was a scary feeling, panic almost. So what did I do? I prescribed myself the next best thing...alcohol. I drank, and drank, and drank until I couldn't feel the loneliness anymore. Sadly for me, by the time my depression went numb...so did the rest of my body! I could barely walk! As I'm trying to lift myself up, in comes the medicine I was originally expecting. He took one look at me, shock I'm sure was what he was feeling. I was humiliated, depressed, literately falling apart at the seams. The rest of the night was very colorful, a lot of crying, yelling, vomiting, all leading to the grand finale of me chasing after a car I thought held the remedy for all my pain...nude. Yes, nude. I had hit rock bottom. There was no way I could salvage anything at that point. I picked myself up from the concrete ground and took myself to bed. I couldn't think of anything else to do but to sleep away the night and hope that it was all a dream. 

The next morning I woke up to realize that all of this could have been avoided. All the heartache from bad relationships, the drunken nights, the loneliness...yes ALL of it could have been avoided had I just stopped trying to fix things myself. I went to church the following day and lay it all down. I got on my knees and cried out to God. What other option did I have at this point? I clearly wasn't helping myself. I said to God these exact words "I can't do this anymore, please take this pain from me. I lay it at your feet and beg for your mercy" The moment I prayed that it was like a hand reached into my heart and pulled out every sad thought, every depressed memory, and every hurt I ever had. I let out a loud cry and then immediately my tears stopped. I felt kind of embarrassed b/c one moment I was weeping being suffocated by my pain, then the next I felt nothing. I felt like me again. Not ever had I felt that way. Never after going to years of counseling, taking anti-depression pills, never after the men I had, or the parties I went to. Never. I quietly got up and went to my seat. I was set free. The moment I gave up battling my pain alone and gave it to God, He took it from me. I now can see my parents for the beautiful people they are, I am able to smile from within, I am able to help other people...all from taking the first step, which was giving all my "junk" to God. Giving full control to the Creator of the Universe. The God who gave me life and saved me from myself. The next few months transformed me, I pray you take the time to read my next post about the sacrifices I had to make and all of the rewards I gained from making them.

God heals all...God saves all...the only thing you have to do...is trust in Him. Amen. xoxoxo

Introduction

Hi everyone! Thank you for checking out my blog! The purpose of this blog is for me to have an outlet to express my thoughts, achievements, struggles, and everyday life. I pulled away from facebook because I was starting to realize it wasn't offering me what I wanted. It became more of a popularity contest with a lot of gossip wrapped around it (my personal opinion).


As I post things on here please don't hesitate to post comments, ask questions, or start healthy debates. This blog is open to anyone who is wanting to read and learn. As I continue to grow I pray whoever is reading my posts will continue to grow with me! 


I'll be writing more soon!! xoxoxo